Ramblings About Stuff

How I Like It (and Other Things that are None of Your Damn Business)


A lesbian is a woman who falls in love and has sex with other women. Note that that definition says nothing about how she dresses or chooses to express her unique blend of femininity or masculinity. That means, lesbian includes all types of lady loving--stud for stud (S4S), femme for femme (F4F), stem for stud, stem for femme, stone butch for pillow princess, versatile top and versatile bottom, stone femme for touch me not stud, you name it.

And the beautiful thing in all of these pairings, is that none of them requires that you understand them. Absolutely no one is asking that you approve of their choices. Not one.

The LGBT community doesn’t need outsiders asking rude questions and judging our choices, we do that all on our own. For instance, one hot topic making the social media rounds is: do “real” studs like to be strapped down?

Unless you’re on the other side of the bed, why do you need to know? Why does it keep you up at night not understanding the mechanics of how two stone butches manage to have a happy marriage? How are you any better than some drunk dude at the bar who looks you dead in the chest and asks, “which one of you is the man?”

I get that there’s a curiosity there, especially in a younger generation looking to define for themselves what it means to truly be a woman who loves other women. Unsure of their own voice, they turn their focus outward and want to see what their peers and elders have to say. There’s nothing wrong with that.

But when these peers use that curiosity to pass down their own highly subjective (and often borderline homophobic) ideas about who gets to call themselves a lesbian, or what roles a stud or femme should play in their relationships and in the bedroom, we have a problem. When we dismiss and demean another lesbian or bisexual simply because she has lived a life or has desires we don’t understand, we are tap dancing over a fine line. With glee. When we declare that any woman who has ever had sex with a man is bisexual, we are Dave Chappelle in Rick James skit, being straight up disrespectful. Fuck yo couch, indeed.

Truth is, whether a woman came out of the womb waving a rainbow flag, slept with both high school boyfriends fifteen years ago or realized ten years and three children into a marriage that she’s gay, she owes you no explanation. Same goes if she dated women from eighteen to thirty and married a man at thirty-six. You don’t have to understand or agree. No one asked you.

Coincidentally, just because you, stud galore, don’t get why a femme would prefer another femme over a stud, that doesn’t mean she just hasn’t met the right one. Mind yourself, and don’t bring toxic masculinity into our space. Wipe your feet before you enter.

We femmes can be a little like men when it comes to studs in the sense that we feel entitled to them. Their bodies. Their assertion, the way they move and speak. It’s as tempting as a glass of lemonade on a hot day. And because some of us still buy into heteronormative bullshit, we don’t understand how masculine women can want other masculine women.

“That’s gay shit,” I have heard others say.

That’s, uh, the point. Right? Women loving other women? Or is it women you like only liking other women who look like you?

I don’t care how good that stud looks, her bedroom and partner preferences should not matter, because she isn’t checking for you, sis. The femme of your dreams can’t be tempted by a “real stud” because it’s a real femme she wants, bruh. Somewhere out in the world, there’s a butch happily getting her back blown out by a stone femme, and there isn’t anything you can do about it. The sooner you realize this, the happier you will be.

LM Bennett